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[spoke]

Hello and welcome to "Let's babble randomly!"

Or perhaps not so randomly? But that sounds more fun. >>

#1. Lyserg. What annoys me here is that I think he is meant to come off as something like Juri of Digimon Tamers. Only, he doesn't. Maybe this is the voice actor, maybe it's just how I'm reacting to this character, but - the boy is drowning in apathy, not despair. Juri was just... in so much pain it was like tunnel vision. She couldn't see past her own despair. Lyserg sees more than this, he understands so much more - and he's not out to destroy Hao, he's out to destroy himself.

The Ex-Laws are the perfect vechicle for this. Now whether he's good enough to defeat Hao is no longer in his own hands - he's passed off that responbility to them. Now he's free to coast along in thier wake, moping except for his occasional rage/revenge fix whenever they go after someone, and I don't think it even matters to him much that they're essentially conducting witch-hunts and most of these people have nothing to do with Hao! The important thing for Lyserg seems to be that he is set, there is no more decision making for him. Except.

If he gives up Chloe for the above reasons, then he's stepping off the edge completely. No more wavering, no more concerns or thinking at all. Because he has one tie left to his family, to the reasons he set out on this lunatic quest - his father gave him Chloe. He's making sure she won't get destroyed with him - which in turn means he knows he and the Ex-Laws are screwed. >.<

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Awhile back on my flist, someone (who ought to know who she is) asked, how do you read things, and how do you consume what you've read?

For the first part, I try to read slowly when it's something new? But sometimes my pace is determined by the feel of the book - Vorkosigan is rapid-fire, Tolkein slowing.

For the second, and this applies to everything - books, tv/movies, and games. I'm looking for something, whenever I read etc. Half the time I don't even know what I'm looking for - I know when I've found something. Sometimes it is something shiny and simple, sometimes it is something that resonates, and twice now it's been something absolutely horrible that I'd just as soon not have found in the first place. x.x

Resonating... is a good word, but needs context. Which I will provide in the form of metaphor, as I am slowing down and unable to express this without the visual component. I am a lake. ;p I go looking for things to drop into this water and see how it reacts. Something that is shiny bubbles and fizzes and maybe stays on the surface. Nothing = floats off with little to no effect. Something that resonates... sinks to the bottom, and slowly dissolves, and changes the composition of the water. Metamorphosis, insomuch as it happens, is the result of the slow resurfacing/absorption of whatever - which also unfortunately means there is a short burst of -:D Wheee! Lookit the shiny beautiful - uh. *deadstop as changes are abosorbed* Uh. *blinkblink :/ sorrowing for whatever characters might need it, and there's always someone* Sooo, ummm. This and this and - what does that mean, anyway? @.@*

And another thing I have noticed... there is always this moment of empathy, of understanding that is more emotion than thought - possibly what shook me so badly with my second burn is that I did empathize, perfectly, and I do not understand how one H.P.Lovecraft did not spend his days locked up in a room somewhere and buried under his covers. Feeling how someone feels is not to say that I understand how they think, and frankly if I were that gibberingly afraid of anything, I would seek help.

Which I did. In the omg panicky clinging to my friends online. And probably would have considered something more serious if I hadn't felt that it was ebbing away after the first couple of days. Another problem there, though, is that there was a resonance with other things, which to some effect means there is a permanent touch of that - a stone sunk to the bottom of the lake, and best not thought about, but it will always be there.

This is possibly another reason I'm hesitant to try new things? There is always that chance of being burned, and while watery reactions I can deal with, negative or not - fire is not something I cope with so well. Having old wounds reopened or brought to the surface, not so good either.

I keep remembering a line from Coldfire here, so. Since it's not especially spoilerly? Paraphrasing of course.

"It's in that place where you bury hateful thoughts and feelings, because you know if you try to deal with them head on, they'll eat you alive." Damien Vryce

And I started out with so much happy in this. Still pretty calm, though. ^^; So. Putting that aside.

Those things that resonate, they're usually retellings of old stories, or... familiar characters. Reincarnate, so to speak - an old soul and a recognizable form, with a new face and a new story to live in. Or, more importantly, something that touches on my own muses - the ones who go through different forms and characters. That here is something I can come back to again and again, and there will always be a comfort and a search for understanding what it is that makes this particular story last for me.

And I have completely lost the thread of where I was going with this. <.<;;;

Oh well! ^^ *is a goof and proud of it!*

Item #4 : Is it Egypt yet already?!?! Seriously. I need backstory, dammit! *rants*

Comments

[shusu.livejournal.com]

A large part of my story-self is like that. Everything comes in and not only comes in, but instantly makes connections. I envy that you even have *time* to process. I simply absorb and immediately assimilate. Over the years I've formed defensive mechanisms to limit the input, some of which are taken too far. Hard when there's only on-off and no dimmer!

And pain. Pain is something I embrace. It makes me more powerful. It gives me energy. I don't *like* it. But I don't fear it. What really kills me is keeping things deep where they don't come back. Like... I am a crystal, not a lake. What comes in, should come out. It circulates. When stuff sinks, it doesn't torment me slowly -- it comes back and kneecaps me at bad times.

So I always try to face things. I am not *successful*, mind you, which translates to ... well, this journal? LOL. To me, not facing something is another thing that can strangle me in the dark. And I have burnt too many years to risk anything of that magnitude again. It also doesn't help that I can see ... well most of the time I can see behind people's backs. It's like seeing all the parasites pulling their puppet strings; and when you've met enough people who are close to self-actualized, having little to no puppet strings, those parasites are as grotesque as any bloodsucker.

I do not bury things. I eat them. I control the metamorphosis. And it makes my storytelling stronger, to grasp as much as possible, because it lets me see as much as possible. I can process so much when I keep moving -- it keeps things circulating.

And that is, I suppose, why I mislike one-way trips into fantasy. I like straddling the line -- I love the interface. The secret of shapeshifting is remembering your original shape. To not only empathize, but embrace, because embracing means you are separate from that which you embrace.

[spoke.livejournal.com]

I don't think of the burying as not-facing? It's like... with the Lovecraft stuff, with the reaching out even in the sense of omgpanic!fear, first thing was figuring out what the hell was wrong with me.

Which actually contributed to being able to make this post, since I don't think fear getting absorbed and spreading like that would even have occured to me before reading that. >.< Managed to bury the King stuff nicely, too, even it had to get dug up in the course of dealing.

But. Figuring out what was wrong with me, for me, was dealing with it to a large degree - if I can't put words to what's happening, if I can't say something's name, then it's just under the surface and I don't know how to cope. But, once I understand what's happening, once I look at something and say, 'Okay, I know what this shit is.' ...If I let it stay out and in my mind? Then it's just polluting the water, tainting how I look at everything else. Some things I want to keep around, but stuff like that? Has got to go under once I've learned whatever I need to from it.

Not that it completely goes away, since things that resonate that intensly can't? But.. if I need to deal with something that shakes me again, then I will dig it up. Keeping it around... it would be like drinking poison. With King, I think I could've ended up making myself a very cynical, hateful person had I not put it down. With Lovecraft, I could've driven myself nuts. I could see that, that shadowing on my thoughts.

I think... >.< Grasping for words again, but - you said you have no on/off switch? I have no filters - if it's in the water, it's in there, and I think I'm finally understanding myself enough to realize that if I want something out, I have to take it out. I can't rely on growing past things to deal with it, that's just... me wussing out? Being too passive, instead of oh, picking up a sword, hacking the problem to pieces as best I can and then burying it.

I am now cringy horrified looks from muses. XD
>:D

Now. If only I can learn to do this more routinely, and to apply to real-life problems as well.

Oh - Coldfire. For one thing, being a good example of some personalities that deal with certain things this way. For another, I think Lovecraft and Coldfire are somewhat permanetly linked in my mind, simply because I understand Gerald better for suspecting that it's exactly that sort of buried fear that forms a large part of his subconsious motivations.

*pokes you to reeead!* ;p

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Yeah, yeah ;p I have to tend the orig bunnies first.

But y'see, I don't hack. Well, sometimes I do, to hack it up into smaller pieces to absorb. Like Kain in Tenchi Muyo. I don't bury it because it could be another arm, it could be another foot, it could be something I can *use*. So even the things that defeat me are put to use, my use.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Oh, and this applies not just to media, but all people. People are the best tv sets. ^^;

[spoke.livejournal.com]

*offended noise!*

*turns self off so as not to be watched!*

...*gets bored with that really incredibly fast. like ten seconds in*

:P Like Kain in Tenchi Muyo That is a scary thought. >.> I would rather not absorb things... I see what you're saying? But for me, that feels like... absorbing would be admitting defeat, letting that fear that I didn't have or understand before become a part of me. I have enough fears and insecurities of my own without allowing other people's in. Understanding them, okay - by the process of hacking/dissecting. << But to keep something I don't want, rather than just keep the understanding. Oooh no. That's back to the having figured it out, and keeping it around being poison.

The burying... it is still there, you know? It could always be dug up again. But I refuse to keep it around and start seeing the world through: "omg everything is fucked up and the universe is inherently evil/sick/out to eat me!!!!" colored glasses. <.<;;; Just. No. Not happening.

The things that leave completely, that would be the surface-stuff, that just floats away because it never sank/was absorbed in the first place. <<

[shusu.livejournal.com]

absorbing would be admitting defeat, letting that fear that I didn't have or understand before become a part of me.

That's where my filters and barriers kick in. It doesn't become a part of me, oh, about 77% of the time, unless I will it. Like I don't just let it sit, I do something to it. I find I can keep things -- longer, at least -- if I dwell on what I want to dwell on, and not obsess over that which breaks me down. Or at least get it over with and then go on... digesting...

"omg everything is fucked up and the universe is inherently evil/sick/out to eat me!!!!" colored glasses. <.<;;;

Ah well. The pleasures of being a top predator. I'm always bigger than it. ^^;

The things that leave completely, that would be the surface-stuff,

Part of me is paranoid that I will discard something I need. That overrides any fear of taking in something that will destroy me. I've found, through trial and error, that there is not much that can actually do that once the processing begins. I mean, not the try-if-stupid stuff, but everything else. As in, once I try it, jump in, whatever, it is nowhere near as horrible as the dread I had of jumping in.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

I would point out that you *are* absorbing things. The only discernable difference that I can see is that I work hard to control the flow (which does have severe drawbacks in itself, in that I am rarely unguarded or spontaneous.)

[spoke.livejournal.com]

I meant absorbing in the sense of... ack there's something in one of these comments... *hunts*

The secret of shapeshifting is remembering your original shape. But water? Doesn't have an original shape/ It just - takes in everything.

It's like... okay, another comparison. Bothari? I saw something of me in him, in that looking to other people for boundaries and definitions - only, for me it's more what I choose to read, to watch - and I don't watch the people-reflections as carefully as maybe I should. Working on that too.

But it's... if everything gets absorbed, and as long as it's sitting in there it will keep getting absorbed - there is no filter, no natural barrier. Burying things is to create a barrier. Can't bury it until I've killed, can't kill it until I've figured out what's going on - but once it's done, it's done, and I can't leave the corpse sitting there to be dwelled upon and rot and spread. It's like... Juri sinking. Possibly because I recognize that tunnel-vision, sleep-walking feeling, as being me in highschool defending myself by curling up. I just didn't know the things then that I do now, so when I felt that panic closing in, that paralyzing fear, it triggered its own panic. Like, oh shit I've gotten something I have no idea how to cope with panic, which is infintely better than despair, or say plugging my ears and singing in order to pretend that it wasn't there.

Because, you know. It wasn't going to go away on its own. And yes, there is still something of that there - it's impossible not to absorb something or change somehow, when even the feeling of understanding something new is a change in itself. But it's not... it was the sort of thing that could have overwhelmed if I let it, and still might if I dwelt on it/kept it out instead of buried... I think partly because it does have the resonance, that a part of the story feeling. But there's a differance between keeping a demon around to be used and feeding it, and letting it stay out/in the water to affect things, that would be feeding it.

That would be feeding it me.

And somewhere along the line I've gotten rather attached to myself, with all the resonances/boundaries I've chosen, rather than the ones that would try to eat me. ;p

...oh, and one more thing before I forget it - Bothari, and the other character, the one in the Otherland books. I also recognized, and to a fairly disturbing degree, something of myself in him. He is... all Bothari's flaws without the crippling, artistic and poetic and creative and there's even that warped little collecting streak - and he is an utter fucking melogmanic, murdering rapist pyschopathic sonofabitch. In both the literal and figurative terms. Took me awhile to figure out why he ticked me off so much, at first, and that. Cold feeling when I figured out why he ticked me off so much. Because cold is normally a good feeling for me, but that - it was like, the man has no limits, but what circumstance has placed on him. Within himself, there are no limits. And that is a powerful feeling, but also frightening - at the same time, "This is how high you can go" and "This how far you can fall".

This is also why, in retrospect, it occured to me that I found Bothari fuzzy and :D. Dude might be screwed up, but he's still trying, which makes him a freaking saint compared to Otherland's. ^^;

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Again, that is the luxury of being a top predator. And it is an appetite that can be learned, because I was a very sensitive, easily-hurt, shy, no-people-skills child. Then I learned how to fight for my attention, and there was no turning back.

Curling-up, I know. I do that, a *lot*. Except I put up a lot of distracting things to camouflage it too. It is the root of depression for me. (And that's a disease, by the way, which I firmly believe can be relieved in all but the most serious cases with good diet, exercise, and better coping skills. Neurotransmitter drug things are too chancy and expensive in this decade, maybe later.) The trick is that I don't allow it to rule me, usually. I rewrite the rules, I re-order the priorities. And so when I blame myself for laziness, it is usually rightfully and not plaintively, because I already have mechanisms in place to keep myself moving -- it's a choice not to use those mechanisms. And no, I don't encourage myself to beat myself up over failing once in a while. Like, the encouraging part is the bit I have control over, even if I have no control over the mood.

In other words, I give it nothing to feed on, and it starves. If I need to, I let it go. But I usually get by on the former strategy. Burying for me is too much work, because then I have to watch out for mysterious tiny seeds in locked-up boxes. ;p

I will point out that there is more than one way to create a barrier, filter, or screen.

when even the feeling of understanding something new is a change in itself.

Of course. Discovery is rapine, new knowledge is the work of the frontier. There is a sense that going faster than my own pace is a silly thing to do. I keep doing that, I can't break down big tasks into smaller steps. Change is less violent if done gradually.

I like it. It goes against my grain to exist and not change. Meaning-of-life deep, that one. Mind, I am wary of running and not getting anywhere, but not-running reminds me forcibly of the state of death. If there were a few hundred thousand people on Earth, I might feel content to exist as a part of a species, but there are billions of human beings -- why am I here, eating the good earth's resources? There's got to be a better reason than dismantling paradise every time I drive a mile or throw out garbage or buy processed food.

But there's a difference between keeping a demon around to be used and feeding it, and letting it stay out/in the water to affect things, that would be feeding it.

Well, yes there is. I'm sure you have some idea what that difference is.

Kill things? I keep them live and wriggling so I can vivisect their beady skulls. No limits? My dear, I identify with those characters. In that sense I am very interested in limits and how to enforce them, because I believe there is no true power without direction -- otherwise it's just force, elemental and uncontrolled, and really less useful than a rock that doesn't move.

For me there are no demons, because I am a bigger demon than the rest. I am -scared-, a lot, but I don't really believe there's a greater evil out there than the potentiality inside of me. It's one of those nice things about Original Sin. To me it's not a question of all of us being tainted, but that for all of us there is room for improvement.

Freedom is always frightening. Because it is a *choice*, no matter the kinds of limits imposed, or not-imposed, to go high or fall far. That in itself is freaky down-to-the-bone terrifying. But sooner or later, if one defines oneself by fear, one gradually loses control of one's own choices.

Water does have a shape. It does. Ask Katara. It is stronger than steel, more corrosive than time, it can fly and burn and kill and birth. It is, admittedly, more difficult to manage. One only has to believe. And surround oneself with people who believe just as fiercely.

[spoke.livejournal.com]

My dear, I identify with those characters. Had a feeling you'd say that. ;p

For the rest of it, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I should have something better to give you in reply.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Your thoughts are more than enough.

[spoke.livejournal.com]

Thank you.

[spoke.livejournal.com]

but not-running reminds me forcibly of the state of death.

Except moving too fast, or learning/feeling something I can't deal with at first, feels like death. Like something is being changed or destroyed that I wasn't finished with yet (if ever) and there is no turning back the clock, even though sometimes I'd rather destroy the moment of change than lose what's gone.

Another thing is, I am afraid to change so much that I would not recognize myself, would not know my own name. I'm not sure why, but... the way you talk about the girl you were? I have never felt that sort of... seperateness from myself. Possibly why I have so little sense of time, and when things happened - I mean, I can figure things out from referance, such and such a show was on or something, but the feeling of it very rarely has any differance. There's just 'then' and 'now', and it almost all feels the same. Except at the points where I've lost something, that puts a marker, a point of change.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Like something is being changed or destroyed that I wasn't finished with yet (if ever) and there is no turning back the clock

I think it's that --- even though I am expert at burning bridges, they are never really burnt. I am perpetually running in circles. Perhaps you misunderstand, the girl I was is me and I am her. I was never really separate, just accumulated so much Me, that I need to stop and take stock. Everything is kept in the reservoir likewise, just whirled like a washing machine.

Because... true transformations are not about losing identity. They are about building identity. They are extending the self further. In that sense I am more stubborn, because I'm not interested in keeping or losing -- I'm interested in moving through my phases. The moon is the moon is the moon. The flower fallen is still a flower, and from its seed another flower. I will always recognize myself because I am rarely separate, the way you're saying. Hells, I know what 'separate' is, I was never so lonely inside my own skin.

Possibly why I have so little sense of time, and when things happened - I mean, I can figure things out from reference, such and such a show was on or something, but the feeling of it very rarely has any difference.

Well, neither do I. That's why I have to go back to that girl, that younger me, to remind myself that I am Old too. The passage of time is important to me-- moreso because I don't sense it. I close my eyes and it's winter, I open them and it's spring of two years after, and the two years is like a dream. But that's not how I want to live my life. I know at some point I will come to the end of it and I *must* look back and see the journey.

I mean... if it's not too personal a question... what do you want from life? There's only one shot at it. You've already said you're searching. And not in the sense that we haven't accomplished something yet or don't even know how to phrase the question, but if life were an ageless bartender on a future starship, what would you order from the menu?

I am intrigued by this subtraction of yours, this way of marking time. Don't you mark when you've gained something? Or is life just a pouring out until it's gone? And if I read it right... it's that moment, that *now* that you don't want destroyed, correct? That stillness and sameness that never leaves? Well my question is, do you ever turn it around in your hand and contemplate it? I mean, I'm sure you do. But to me... what is the point of clinging to the moment if it doesn't live? Does it always have to be buried, petrified, encased?

I ask it this way, not necessarily to belittle your concerns, but because I've seen that stillness take root and grow into something that cannot ever be taken away -- and it's through motion and breathing and living that it happens. A pause, yes, a silence is important for everything. There's not enough of it. Our quick-blur world is not made to encourage it, and too often we have to fight just for a piece of it. I'm saying... if you want the song, sometimes you have to risk the bird.

[spoke.livejournal.com]

what do you want from life? I don't know. ;_; I can only think of that question in terms of things I haven't accomplished.

Don't you mark when you've gained something? I think... some of my poems, the ones that feel like they're finished and I got it right, might count. I don't think I've written anything, story-wise, that feels that right yet.

[shusu.livejournal.com]

Geez, woman, you're worse than me. Don't you celebrate getting a job, getting less lost, standing up to people, reading more things, thinking new thoughts? Even surviving another year is a good thing. Or are you just gonna live your life by what isn't there and what might be subtracted?

That... I ran myself down to nothing living like that. In my meager experience, trying to be a person that doesn't exist reduces your existence to something smaller than you actually are. Accomplishment follows from getting over that, and damned if the best quote doesn't come from Mirror Dance. I may just buy it for you ;p

Like the song (http://lyrics.rare-lyrics.com/D/Dave-Matthews-Band/Jimi-Thing.html) says, what I want is what I've not got... and what I need is all around me.

[spoke.livejournal.com]

>.<

Thank you.

...I have the feeling I'm not getting a lot of that song. <<

And I may just buy it for you but you can't! :P I am taking Dusky to the vet tomorrow, my used bookstore is just up the road!

it's a great song

[shusu.livejournal.com]

You need to listen to more DMB! That was their first big album, Under the Table and Dreaming. It was all over the place in the early 90s.

Re: it's a great song

[spoke.livejournal.com]

It was? ...errr, eeep?? Ooops? *hides?*

^^;