i'm baack!

[spoke]

on further instropection, i may be funnier than i thought.

or perhaps the humor bunnies just like me. shudders.

Dear Diary,

Isildur is dead. Go me!

Got the bastard drowned, that's what I did. Teach him to go riding about orc infested countrysides, this will.

No, I suppose it won't, given that he's dead. Damn.

Oh, and then I sunk into the mud at the bottom of this river. He took me off! I think the bastard did it on purpose, to prevent Orcs from recovering me off his body. It's going to be really boring down here.

I have discovered I cannot influence the minds of fish.

Must remember to talk to Sauron about my being able to influence wildlife in general, when I get back.

and then:

Dear Diary,

Yes! Yawns.

Trying to wake up, here, but it was cold in that river.

Was picked up by the oddest little species. It's not a Man, I can tell that much, but it thinks a lot like them. I like them, I think- this one heard me right off. And, it was very easy to convince it steal me and kill the other one.

Now, to get my bearings and head to Mordor.

I said Mordor. M o r d o r, not mountain! Yes, the sunlight's bad, that's fine, but- oh damnit.

Now what do I do? Stupid little whatever-it-is.

and then!

Dear Diary,

I have found out what Gollum is. It is (or was, rather) a Hobbit. I hates them all, the stupid Hobbits!

I mean, all a Ring wants is to be used for the purpose it was created, right? A little killing, some torture, a lot of bending the minds and hearts of Men. Men, not Hobbits! Oh, that first one was fine, it was easy- "Kill him , Smeagol! Now go" -well, okay, that bit didn't turn out so well. But- "Orcs are tasty, Gollum, why don't you eat one?"

Granted, they were supposed to eat him.

It would have been so easy to get an Orc to take me back to Mordor. But you win some, you lose some. (Obviously.) But! It won't leave the mountains, oh no: Gollum might lose the Precious. (You think? You think so?!)

But this new one! It's - it's horrible! It's like some tiny version of an Elf, almost - always thinking about plants, and - and so friendly and just - awful! Thank the Master it's not so high-minded. Or intelligent enough to take me to the Elves. A mountain full of various lovely nasties, intellingent enough to hear me, stupid enough to take orders and I get picked up by this thing!

He won't listen like Gollum did, he hardly lies at all, he doesn't want to go anywhere remotely interesting, and he's hanging around with a Maiar. Not one of Master's, oh no, the fates enjoy torturing me too much for that, can't have the Ring near, oh, a Balrog, can we?!

No, this has to be one of those creepy fellows that hangs around the Elves all the time.

And did I mention the Dwarves he's travelling with? Damnit. No Men at all, no, just Dwarves and I don't dare chance it, they attrack dragons like flies. What's that you say, Diary? A dragon couldn't destroy me?

No, it could not. But, would you want to spend the next thousand years working our way out of it's digestice tract?

I didn't think so.

Wait, have I picked up some of Gollum's speech habits?

gah! where is this coming from? it might actually be the first story i finish!

Comments

[keelywolfe.livejournal.com]

LOL! Those are terribly funny. *G*